


shattered mirror; twisted reflection

by vinndetta



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Charles Xavier, Erik has Issues, Gay Mutant Road Trip, Gay and Mutant in the 1960s, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, POV Charles, Period-Typical Homophobia, Trans Charles Xavier, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 12:49:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20436308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta
Summary: On second thought, Charles probably should have realized that spending a couple weeks on a road trip with a unbelievably handsome basically-stranger would have consequences.Especially if said stranger is incredibly analytical, nosy, and distrusting.





	shattered mirror; twisted reflection

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to make this longer but couldn't. i might add to this later but i doubt it.
> 
> IMPORTANT NOTE: TWs  
-implied child abuse. mentions of being physically hit. one part can be inferred to as a memory of either being physically hit or being r*ped  
-mentions of time-period homophobia / transphobia  
-neutral use of the word q*eer.

_"I'm sorry, but I'm with Erik. We'll find them alone."_

-

When Charles had said alone, he didn't really think that it was going to be literally alone. He thought it would be interesting to go on a trip with Raven and Hank and everyone, but somehow, he ended up in a car, watching the road pass by with only a silent Erik driving.

It's sort of peaceful, actually.

He thinks this might be for the best - Raven and Hank added to this mix might have made it too chaotic. Plus, Hank's skills with inventions made it so that he was better working in his lab while the duo went on a road trip.

Charles feels like there's an unspoken connection. Ever since that night Charles dove into the raging waters to pull Erik above the waves, Charles feels connected, like as if their neurons found a way to connect with each other despite their physical distance.

-

Charles has no idea that it's going to be hell.

-

It really, truly starts when Erik starts yelling at Charles, who is so startled he can't even process what's going on.

"What the _hell_ is this?!"

Charles just wanted to walk into the bathroom, but Erik's looming over him.

Charles tries to take in what's happening around him. Erik grasps at some objects, holding them in his fist as if he was threatening to crush all of them in his hands right now. He clenches them and shakes his fist in the air wildly.

His syringes. _Fuck_.

He hadn't meant to leave them in there, but he had taken his weekly shot and just left them there carelessly. He should have kept them in his bag, where he can't lose them and people can't find them.

Charles's face darkens and he almost starts scowling.

"Erik, put those down, back where they were-" He says calmly, but Erik speaks over him.

"I can't believe you're doing... _this_! Are these drugs? Charles, what were you _thinking_?" Erik's voice is growing louder in volume, and Charles is tempted to just start screaming as well.

"Why does it matter what I'm thinking?" He spats, trying to keep his voice level.

"I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on in your head right now-"

Fucking hypocrite.

"For _fuck's_ sake, Erik!" Charles snaps. Erik stumbles backward in shock. "Leave me alone. I got out of your head by your request, Erik - _now get out of mine_."

Charles rushes out the door and slams it behind him.

How dare he; what an arrogant asshole. Erik has never ever trusted him with those powers, and he's always accommodated. He understands the fear behind it, but Erik then turns around and expects him to open his mind to them.

Charles doesn't know what he wants.

-

They haven't even reached one person yet for recruitment and relations are already strained.

Charles knows he feels a connection to Erik that he's never felt before, but is it possible for two people to connect on such a level yet feel as if the world is tearing them apart? Their differences in opinion is driving the two apart like the magnetic fields of magnets. Charles is starting to think that even if destiny pulls them together, they might tear each other apart anyway.

-

The car ride is silent the next day, save for the low humming of the cars and the whizzing of vehicles that pass them by.

Charles can effortlessly sense a dull, tired feeling from Erik, right next to him. In the passenger seat, Charles turns towards the window and looks out onto the horizon.

He searches for strength within him, the thing his mother said that he should have if he was a son, and isn't sure if he finds anything remotely like that.

-

The library clerk wants nothing to do with them. Charles can see her power, something to do with telekinesis, but above all, he can see her fear. It practically reeks off of her in waves.

Erik seems to want to argue, but Charles thanks her and leaves.

Charles can't tell if he's surprised or not when Erik simply follows.

-

Somehow, despite everything, Charles feels drawn anyway toward the other man.

Suppose the analogy is true; well, opposites do attract. The opposite charges of magnets can cause them to stick to one another, with the pull that Charles feels towards Erik. Perhaps it's the illusion of repelling magnet ends when it's really that they attract.

Charles looks at his own twisted refection in the mirror and feels the urge to shatter it into un-salvageable pieces.

Maybe they're a match made in hell.

-

"So, is being manipulative a part of your telepathy?"

Erik just speaks up and Charles glances up.

"I'm sorry?" Charles stands up in his chair, glaring accusingly at the other man who just walked in.

"You're giving me mixed signals; are you just purposefully fucking with my head?"

Charles feels every part of his body shaking - it's anger spreading through him.

"I'm not, Erik. Please leave me be." Charles says through clenched teeth.

"You flirted with me."

Charles blinks. Has he? Perhaps he has - he's not very aware of what he does sometimes, and if something has come off as flirting, well, what can you do?

Perhaps he has done it on purpose, though. Erik is ridiculously good-looking. Charles can't tell if he wants to be Erik or if he wants to be with Erik. Maybe the lines are too blurred to tell.

"... _And_?"

"So what the hell? Are you even interested in men?"

Charles paused.

Openly identifying as homosexual, or gay as some call it now, was a felony. Sodomy is a felony almost everywhere across the states, so even if they were hailed as heroes for stopping Shaw...

Erik's never been one to care much for human rules and society, though, has he?

"I am." Charles says, finally. "So are you going to leave?"

Erik throws up his hands in frustration. "So, what the hell?"

Charles rolls his eyes, moving towards the restroom in order to end this conversation.

In the end, Charles never responds, just leaves Erik standing there in the middle of the hotel room without any answers to his question.

-

Charles goes down to the local bar that night. He flirts with some random woman he finds attractive, but he thinks he feels a familiar presence nearby in the shadows.

Rather than a messy hookup in the alleyway, Charles leaves to go back to the hotel.

-

"Stuck in hiding - we shouldn't be hiding." Erik mutters.

Charles glances up from the chess board that he brought along, wondering why Erik is choosing to bring this up now. Erik wants to vent, wants to argue, and Charles keeps enabling him. He doesn't know if it's helping or not.

"If it's what's necessary, Erik." Charles says, taking a sip of his tea. "Society isn't prepared. Not in the slightest."

Erik huffs. "I don't want to hide anymore!"

"Erik, why are you yelling-" Charles mutters, but is quickly cut off.

"I'm tired of people like us having to pretend that we're something we're not, Charles!"

Charles blinks.

"People like us?" Charles wonders aloud. "Do you mean mutants? Or... _Gays_?"

Erik stares at him silently for a moment, the chess game practically forgotten at this point. Charles stares back intently, not backing down whatsoever.

"Either."

The fire burns in Erik's eyes. Charles isn't sure if he's going to burn him along too if he gets too close to Erik.

-

They play chess in silence.

They stopped keeping score long ago, but Charles starts to think that no one can be a winner here.

-

Charles grew up knowing that he was different. His mother found out the hard way after years of denial, finding out that her child was a _mutant, queer son._

She died years later from alcohol poisoning, and Charles wonders if it's his fault for not staying in hiding. Charles remembers finding her, surrounded by countless bottles, feeling that it's his fault for trying to stay true to who he thought he was.

Charles doesn't even know who he is anymore.

-

Once, in a dream, Erik becomes more like his real self.

"What are those syringes for?" He asks, and Charles can sense that it's something Erik would say. Erik stands there, questioning, trying to find all the answers as if it's the only thing that will keep him sane in his war against humanity, no, the whole world. If he understands everything, then he'll only be more prepared to start the battle before the other side is even aware that a war was going to start.

"To create a me that's more me than I ever had been."

-

Charles wakes up, dazed, alone in the bed next to Erik's.

He doesn't go to sleep that night.

He used to complain about the noises, the constant humming before he learned to put up mental barriers. What he didn't know back then, but knows now, is that some of the loudest voices came from within.

-

"You've never looked more beautiful, darling," Charles smiles, glancing sideways at Erik.

Erik looks at him as if he's trying to look past his eyes, to his brain, to his _soul_. It's shocking how invasive yet comforting it feels, to have him looking at him like this. It feels as if he's going to be exposed from the inside-out, but it's also simultaneously going to be the most _exhilarated_ he's ever felt.

Charles tears away and talks to this girl - Angel - about their cause.

-

Miraculously, she says yes.

Charles can feel Erik's confidence boosting.

-

She leaves to go back to base, and the tension returns once more.

-

Charles hears it in Raven's voice.

_I don't think anyone knows the true Charles Xavier._

It rings over and over and over again in his mind.

-

In dreams, Charles doesn't have to bring up the illusion with company. Instead, he walks around as the man he was supposed to be, instead of having to throw up the illusion every time he goes out.

In dreams, Charles Xavier is who he is effortlessly.

Charles reminds himself that he just wants to turn dreams into reality as he gives himself a shot in the hotel bathroom, when Erik is fast asleep.

-

_I don't think anyone knows the true Charles Xavier. I don't think anyone knows the true Charles Xavier. I don't think anyone knows the true Charles Xavier. I don't think anyone knows the true Charles Xavier. I don't think anyone knows the true Charles Xavier. I don't think anyone knows the true Charles Xavier._

-

"I don't understand you at all."

That's what Erik says during a meal, and Charles pauses, staring at Erik with a blank face.

"I don't get you," Erik twirls around his fork. "You act like you're an open book but you turn around and close the book if anyone gets too close."

Charles takes in a deep breath. They're onto this topic again.

"You want to understand me?"

Erik's stare hardens. "You know everything about me; why can't I for you?"

Charles picks up his fork.

"After dinner, we can talk."

That seems to satisfy Erik, as his mind calms and he starts to eat again.

They eat in silence, and Charles thinks it's anticipation too.

-

Charles isn't naive, or at least, he's not as naive as others think he is. He knows he acts like a spoiled brat sometimes, and that does come from his rich background. But he genuinely sees good in other people.

Charles knows that Erik thinks he's led a life of luxury and comfort, but there's no way to show him the truth unless he really dives in to show Erik everything that's happened to him.

The waves are wild and untamed, the raging waters hiding secrets from the rest of the world.

-

Charles ends up pulling a photo out of his pocket. Erik sits on the edge of the other bed so that they're facing each other. Charles holds it out, and Erik takes the photo.

"Who is this? Your sister?" Erik examines the photo, a young girl staring blankly at the viewer.

"No."

Erik raises an eyebrow.

"I can see a similarity... your mother, perhaps?"

Charles shakes his head. He doesn't understand where to start, or where he should start. A story always has a beginning, but there's no beginning or end in sight. It's just a part of him. It's what defines his entire existence.

"Her name is Vivian."

Erik blinks. "Vivian?"

"Maybe it's better if I show you," Charles says, getting up. He wriggles his fingers around near his head. "May I?"

Erik stills.

Charles knows this may be asking too much, but there's just so many things to say and not enough words, not enough time to explain. This is much easier, to show rather than to tell. Charles doesn't even know if he can start to tell with words, if the words will get stuck, if his eyes will flood with tears.

Charles knows this is the only way.

-

Erik nods jerkily.

Charles places two fingers against his temple and closes his eyes.

-

Charles places a shortened version of his history on a projector and plays it into Erik's mind.

-

There's a little girl playing in the sand. She morphs into an older version of herself. She pretends to be a knight rescuing a princess. Someone tells her that _girls_ can't be knights.

Then, Raven appears.

Charles can sense the confusion from Erik's mind.

Raven becomes a part of the family due to the girl's very unstable telepathic powers. As a result, the mother starts to forget, starts to become neglectful. Or maybe that's already been happening way beforehand.

The girl cuts all of her hair off in a frenzy one night.

She exclaims, "I'm not a girl!"

Her step-father hits her.

She projects a version of herself that's not a girl.

No one realizes.

"My name is Charles Xavier." The kid mentions. He smiles at Raven. Raven tilts her head.

"Charles?"

"Charles."

"Charles is a much better name than Vivian, anyway."

Charles smiles fondly.

"I didn't ask for a son." The mother spats. "And now you're a freak, too."

His step-father and step-brother enter his room one night. Panicked, he throws up barriers.

They head away.

Suddenly, Charles puts down his barriers.

They come back.

In the darkness, the three bodies become rough waves at sea, struggling for dominance and control.

The two older, bigger, stronger men win.

Charles lies in bed all night and day, but doesn't sleep.

-

Charles pulls back slowly. Erik's face is scrunched up slightly, staring into space as if he's still trying to process.

"So you're..."

Charles drops the illusion. The testosterone helps, but in the end, his jawline is too soft, his body's lines not hard enough, his face too feminine.

Erik looks at him with curious eyes.

"This was you?" Erik holds up the photo.

"No," Charles's eyes narrow. "She is me. I am _not_ her."

Erik pauses, thinking about that.

"I'm not..." Charles begins. "I'm not looking for sympathy. Don't pity me. I don't..."

Charles grips at the bed sheets tightly.

"I don't need pity."

The two sit there in silence for a moment. Charles knows that Erik probably wouldn't care much for societal views, but that just means that Charles doesn't know whether he personally cares or understands.

Erik furrows his eyebrows suddenly.

"Wait, so... you're... You're like Christine Jorgensen."

Charles's eyes raise. The celebrity that went through sex reassignment surgery. The first famous person to do so in the United States.

"You know her?"

Erik shrugs. "She was all over the news. It'd take living under a rock to not know who she is."

Charles nods. "Ah..." He says, as if he's trying to provide a response that he doesn't even know how to give.

Charles shivers. He feels exposed now, but it does provide some sort of comfort. Besides his mother, step-father, step-brother, and Raven, no one really knows about it. Now, three of those people are dead. Adding another trusted friend to that list doesn't worry Charles in the slightest.

"I always hated myself, looking in the mirror. I thought myself ugly, though I'd always been told I was cute. It was only later that I realized that I didn't want to be cute or adorable; I wanted to be handsome. I wasn't terribly ugly as that girl, but I didn't see who I wanted to see."

Charles sadly laughs a little. "I shattered many mirrors in my teenage years. My twisted reflection in shattered glass made much more sense than what the mirror used to show me."

Erik looks at Charles silently. Charles puts up the illusion again, something he does out of habit although he probably won't be mistaken for a girl out in public anymore. It's something he does out of comfort.

Charles pulls out the syringe container from his bag. "And these are my testosterone shots. The hormones to make me more... me than I ever was before."

Erik's guilt pours off of him in waves.

"Don't be sorry."

The usual comeback, _get out of my head!_, isn't said.

"Forgive me for asking, but," Erik begins. "Don't you bed women from time to time? How do you..."

Charles raises an eyebrow.

"I use my tongue to give pleasure in lieu of what I do not have to give." Charles smiles slightly.

Erik nods, as if that was a very useful bit of information that put his mind at ease. Charles isn't sure how to feel about that.

Charles sighs. "Go to sleep," he whispers, laying down on his bed. "We have a long day tomorrow, yes?"

-

Charles's statement doesn't fool anyone. No one gets sleep that night.

-

"I'm sorry," Erik says as he drives down the highway.

"Sorry for what?" Charles asks.

Both of them woke up that morning not saying a word to each other. In silence, they checked out, grabbed their bags, and headed out onto the road. There's not much to say, Charles supposes, after everything that's been said last night. There might still be a need for time to process.

But Erik speaks up.

"For being terrible to you these past couple of weeks."

Charles fumbles. "There's no need. You didn't do it without reason."

"No," Erik says resolutely. "There was no need for you to come out that way. There was no need to me to push you to reveal to me your secrets. That was wrong, and I'm sorry."

Charles raises his eyebrows.

"And Charles?"

"Yes?"

"I'm still... interested in you." Erik mumbles. "This doesn't change anything."

"You're _interested_ in me?"

"Why else would I ask if you're interested in men? And why would I be mad that you were flirting but you didn't seem to be interested in anything serious despite that?"

Charles blinks. "Oh."

Erik pulls his hands off the steering wheel to place a chaste kiss on Charles's lips for a quick second.

Soon, he's back to driving and Charles is sitting there in the passenger seat in shock.

"Oh." He says again, but this time, he knows he's more than a little bit interested in Erik Lehnsherr.

-

"You know, Charles?"

"Yes?"

"We're in Illinois."

"Yes, we're trying to find our kind. That's why we're here." Charles says, deadpan.

"Do you not remember?"

Charles furrows his eyebrows.

"Excuse me?"

Erik chuckles slightly. Charles feels his chest ache, but in a good way.

"Don't tell me you forgot. January 1, 1962."

Charles stills.

"S..." -_odomy isn't illegal anymore._

_That's right._ Erik smirks.

_So..._

_So what are you waiting for? Come over here and kiss me, pretty boy._

So Charles does exactly that.

**Author's Note:**

> Optional ending:
> 
> Years later, Charles Xavier laughs manically at the irony when he injects Hank's serum daily and he does the same when Erik has the audacity to belittle him for hiding. Erik Lehnsherr knows nothing about hiding and Charles will wonder why Erik thinks he's naive when it's clearly the opposite.
> 
> -
> 
> unfortunately i know it's not as simple as 'omg sodomy isnt illegal lets kiss haha homophobia is gone' but i thought it'd be cute. just imagine them alone somewhere, or charles using his telepathy to keep people from seeing. 
> 
> -
> 
> hope u enjoyed this. i'm @vinndetta / @twinkcharlesxavier on tumblr. yell at me. comments/kudos are always appreciated<3


End file.
